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You Make Me Feel So Young

from Shoot The Piano Player by Jed Davis

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A song about a cradle-robbing douchebag.


Little girl
Wants the promise that no one can keep
Well sip this cosmopolitan and listen, baby
As I push that old lie through these false teeth
I can tell you how lovely you are
In the confident tones of a man who has been
Telling women how lovely they are
Since long before you even noticed men
As I stroke your ringless fingers
And sit through your short life story
And reveal that I'm an ex-cop, a businessman, a producer
I am your Social Security, honey
And darling, you're my Viagra
You make me feel so young.

Little boys
That's all your friends are to me
I hate them all
I know what they want
You see, I was once a little boy myself -
Young and virile and horny
Then I learned how to buy plane tickets, and do my own taxes
And all those other things you find so sexy
And mature
Let's talk maturity
Let's pretend that it's your maturity
And not my emotional impotence
That fuels this unnatural chemistry
Oh darling, you're such a grownup
You make me feel so young.

Take it, Red.
This is a dance we used to do back at the Peppermint Lounge.
I think that kid over there is giving you the eye. That little hipster fuck. Let me tell you something:
Youth fades
Hipness fades
But what I got, I'll have the rest of my life
However short that may be.

You want candy?
I got candy
Good & Plenty
Sugar Daddy
Take a ride in my convertible
Let me get the door for you
No wait - hop on my motorcycle. YES!
I will lift you up onto my midlife crisis motorcycle
We'll hit the open road doin 80
And we'll speed back in time to when a man was a man
And a woman was a lady
And you were just
A little baby

Speaking of which
You love my kids, right?
Aw, you should have known them when
You'd have had so much fun playing in the kiddie pool
And in the sandbox with them
And I'd have watched you from my deck chair
A scotch on the rocks in my hand
My now-ex-wife by my side
As I fantasized your six-year-old ass on my hairy knee
Getting a pony ride.

I'm so glad your math is bad
And you know I dread
The day you get through your head
That when you're 30
I'll be 60
When you're 60
I'll be dead
But baby, don't you worry
'Cause right now, you got it all:
My heart
My soul
My money
My home
My wrinkled little balls
Oh darling, how I need you
You make me feel so young.


from Shoot The Piano Player, released July 7, 2011
Words and music by Jed Davis
Published by Eschatonality/ASCAP

Jed Davis: vocal, piano
Joe Abbatantuono: drums

Recorded and mixed by Steve Albini at Electrical Audio, Chicago, IL
Mastered by Paul Gold at Salt Mastering, Brooklyn, NY


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Jed Davis Bristol, Connecticut

Jed Davis is a designer who works in lines, dots, words and sounds.

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