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Shoot The Piano Player

by Jed Davis

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about

13 songs recorded live to tape in one weekend, under the watchful eye of Steve Albini.

credits

released July 7, 2011

ESC025

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all rights reserved

about

Jed Davis New York, New York

Jed Davis writes and records lots of music. He's cranky and he hates babies!

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Track Name: Piece Of Crap
This is crap
A piece of crap
I churn it out
I dump it out
You lap it up
You eat it whole, yeah -
19 dollars for this piece of crap
You'll take it.

Pay for me
Make me sexy
Buy me groupies
High school kids are stupid
You can trick them
Use them
Look I'm what you wanted all along.

I love this song
How do you do it?
Oh, you're so angry
Just like me
You know the pain
Middle-class white rage, yeah -
Mom and dad won't let me out past midnight
I'm in hell

Sell to me
Say you hate me
Give me bootlegs
You're official spokesman for my
G-G-G-G-Generation
Talking with your mouth full -
BANG!

This is a wonderful time to be a rock n' roller
Pray that your connections are as good as mine
Watch me put my grocery list to music
Watch it sell a million copies
Watch the kids find poetry in every line

Yeah, this is crap
A piece of crap
I churn it out
I dump it out
You lap it up
Swallow it whole, yeah -
Silly rabbit, you are what you eat
Don't touch me

I know
I'll get a kicking drum and bass loop
I'll make some noises on a keyboard
Hey back off, buddy, I'm an artist
Now I'm on the cutting edge
Yeah.
Track Name: Chain Letter
Number a paper from 1 to 7.
Write your favorite numbers next to 1 and 2.
Write the names of two people next to 3 and 7.
And the names of friends next to 4, 5, and 6.
Now make a wish.

1 is the number of people you must send this to
In the number of days you wrote next to 2
Number 3 is your true love
Number 4 is the person who you care about the most
Number 5 is the one who knows you best
Number 6 is your lucky star
Number 7 is the person who you like
But just can't work things out with

What did you wish for when you passed this on?
What number did I come up?

You ought to know better
Than to send me chain letters
You're gonna end up with a new boyfriend

Right now, somebody is proud of you
Right now, somebody is thinking of you
Right now, somebody is caring for you
Right now, somebody misses you
Right now, somebody wants to talk to you
Right now, somebody wants to be with you
Right now, somebody needs you
To send this out to them

What did you wish for when you passed this on?
Did you know that I would wish for you?

You ought to know better
Than to send me chain letters
You're gonna end up with a new boyfriend

Number a mix tape from 1 to whatever
Write the name of this song next to number 1
Now write the songs that remind you of the people you love
And the names of the friends that they remind you of
Now make a wish and send it to:

10 people - it'll come true in a year
20 people - it'll come true in a month
30 people - it'll come true in a year
40 people - it'll come true right now
10 people - you'll be happy for a week
20 people - you'll be happy for a month
30 people - you'll be happy for a year
40 people - you'll be happy forever

What did you wish for when you passed this on?
What number did I come up?

You ought to know better
Than to send me chain letters
You're gonna end up with a new boyfriend.
Track Name: For A Girl In Promotions
Every rocker knows
That girl at all the shows
Passing out her business card
Is just some fluff to be ignored
She's in promotions

She's only here to kick up noise
And make out with skinny boys
Whoever wants to take a pass
At some entry-level ass
With no emotions

You can't do shit for my act
You cannot sign me
They don't know who you are
In A&R
But still I pray you'll find me
In your heart

As I watch you throw yourself
At some shitty band
Who won't ever understand
How important you are
To them getting this far
Yeah, the girl in promotions
One side of the stage
Is the only real rock star
In all of L.A.
Track Name: We're Both Wrong But You're Also A Dick
Did you think all the folks in your hometown were right
When they lip-served the legend you might become?
Did you think this here song would end up on your wall in no time
Dressed in glass, chrome and platinum?
Did you think this would net you the girl of your dreams?
Did you think this would make you a zillionaire?
Tell me, big man, how's all that shit worked out so far?
Dozen years and does anyone care 'bout it now?
Don't answer now
We'd better take this up again some other time
Because the next words out your mouth
Will be a lie
A lie
A lie

Watch in horror as all your old bandmates and pals
Nest and spawn in their parents' suburbia
Check your watch by the reddening sun
As it sets on the only ones who've ever heard of ya
Time to water it down, dumb it down, dumb it down
Take a coward's piss all over everything
Do you care what some shit blogger says?
Do you care what 14-year-olds think about anything now?
Don't answer now
We'd better take this up again some other time
Because the next words out your mouth
Will be a lie
A lie
A lie

Did you think this would net you the girl of your dreams?
Did you think this would make you a zillionaire?
Tell me, big man, how's all that shit worked out so far?
Dozen years and doesn't anyone even care?
Yeah I know we're both wrong, but you're also a dick
So I'm finding it hard to go quietly
You can lie to your family, your friends and yourself all you want
But don't you fuckin lie to me now
Don't answer now
We'd better take this up again some other time
Because the next words out your mouth
Will be a lie, a lie
A lie, a lie
A lie, a lie
A lie.
Track Name: I Hate All The People At My Party
A full-on celebration
A hundred invitiations
I had the cooler stocked by 4pm
The mixtape done by 5
I cleaned the whole place up with Arty
Ordered pizza from Lombardi's
Yeah, it was quite the fuckin party
Until the guests arrived

Now I hate all the people at my party
My heart is full of sorrow
My apartment full of lame
Every loser in six counties
Is guzzling down my beer
And the hotties I invited never came.

There are eighteen Trekkies in my breakfast nook
Talking really loud about comic books
They're about to get their asses kicked
By a bunch of surly punks
It's a big old fuckin trainwreck
Somebody tie the noose 'round my neck
'Cause I blew my entire paycheck
Just to get these assholes drunk

Now I hate all the people at my party
My heart is full of sorrow
My apartment full of lame
Every loser in six counties
Is guzzling down my beer
And the hotties I invited never came.

A full-on celebration
A hundred invitations
The desperate lengths I go to wind up
Playing with myself
Somebody man the stereo
The TV set remote control
You all just make yourself at home
I'm going someplace else

Now I hate all the people at my party
My place is full of sausage
My face is red with shame
Every loser in six counties
Is guzzling down my beer
And the hotties I invited never came.
Track Name: You Make Me Feel So Young
Little girl
Wants the promise that no one can keep
Well sip this cosmopolitan and listen, baby
As I push that old lie through these false teeth
I can tell you how lovely you are
In the confident tones of a man who has been
Telling women how lovely they are
Since long before you even noticed men
As I stroke your ringless fingers
And sit through your short life story
And reveal that I'm an ex-cop, a businessman, a producer
I am your Social Security, honey
And darling, you're my Viagra
You make me feel so young.

Little boys
That's all your friends are to me
I hate them all
I know what they want
You see, I was once a little boy myself -
Young and virile and horny
Then I learned how to buy plane tickets, and do my own taxes
And all those other things you find so sexy
And mature
Let's talk maturity
Let's pretend that it's your maturity
And not my emotional impotence
That fuels this unnatural chemistry
Oh darling, you're such a grownup
You make me feel so young.

Take it, Red.
This is a dance we used to do back at the Peppermint Lounge.
I think that kid over there is giving you the eye. That little hipster fuck. Let me tell you something:
Youth fades
Hipness fades
But what I got, I'll have the rest of my life
However short that may be.

You want candy?
I got candy
Good & Plenty
Sugar Daddy
Take a ride in my convertible
Let me get the door for you
No wait - hop on my motorcycle. YES!
I will lift you up onto my midlife crisis motorcycle
We'll hit the open road doin 80
And we'll speed back in time to when a man was a man
And a woman was a lady
And you were just
A little baby

Speaking of which
You love my kids, right?
Aw, you should have known them when
You'd have had so much fun playing in the kiddie pool
And in the sandbox with them
And I'd have watched you from my deck chair
A scotch on the rocks in my hand
My now-ex-wife by my side
As I fantasized your six-year-old ass on my hairy knee
Getting a pony ride.

I'm so glad your math is bad
And you know I dread
The day you get through your head
That when you're 30
I'll be 60
When you're 60
I'll be dead
But baby, don't you worry
'Cause right now, you got it all:
My heart
My soul
My money
My home
My wrinkled little balls
Oh darling, how I need you
You make me feel so young.
Track Name: Despite
Despite the guitar that you brandish before you
As you tell off a crowd that's content to ignore you
And despite your soul searching, and the ingots of wisdom
Which disguise all the shit that's pent up in your system
And the old man who pays for the place where you live
And the woman who pays for the demos you give
To the promising people in the back of your cab
As you pray that the next fare will take the wheel
From your gifted little hands

And despite the guitar that you brandish before you
As you tell off a crowd that's content to ignore you
Whose every yes means they'll never forget you
And every no means they're all out to get you
And despite the club owners who won't have you back
And despite all the girlfriends who won't have you back
And the buddies who've seen way too much of your back
As you walk out in another huff and swear
That you're never ever coming back

And despite the guitar that you brandish before you
As you tell off a crowd that's just there to ignore you
And despite your frustrations and your bitter demands
The mistakes you project, and your uninformed plans
You will still be surprised when we all move on
And there's nary a sniffle for you when you're gone
'Cause despite your falsetto
And the friends you suck dry
The blond in your hair
And the blue in your eye
The world wasn't waiting for you to save it
The world wasn't waiting for you.
Track Name: Seven And The Ragged Tiger
Duran
Duran
Duran
Duran

I love to say Duran Duran
I say it over and over and over again
The World Premiere Video is on at eight
For a brand-new song called "Union of the Snake"
I love to say Duran Duran
While I dream of Ms. Pac Man
Come on everybody and say Duran Duran with me

Duran
Duran
Duran
Duran

I went without hot lunch for weeks
Just so I could afford that record
"Reflex" and "New Moon on Monday"
Taunted me on MTV
Till finally my mom agreed
To take me to Sam Goody and I
Saw it shining in its shrink-wrap
In the front display it was

Duran
Duran
Duran
Duran

I love to say Duran Duran
I say it over and over and over again
The World Premiere Video is on at eight
For a brand-new song called "Union of the Snake"
I love to say Duran Duran
While I dream of Ms. Pac Man
Come on everybody and say Duran Duran with me

I ran towards my holy grail
Past High N' Dry and Back in Black and
Just as I was reaching out
A voice behind me called my name
I turned around and saw her in
A Ricky Schroeder t-shirt and
She said she wanted puffy stickers
But I knew I'd die without

Duran
Duran
Duran
Duran

Here's the latest on Scott Baio, won't you let me hold your hand?
Here's a Ricky Schroeder pin-up, won't you let me hold your hand?
I cut up my 16 magazine for you
Now loving me forever is the least you can do

Give me back those stickers
Girls are stupid anyway.

I love to say Duran Duran
I say it over and over and over again
Years have passed and I feel the same
Though I never got that record - now I can't recall its name
I love to say Duran Duran
While I dream of Ms. Pac Man
Come on everybody and say Duran Duran with me

Duran
Duran
Duran
Duran
Track Name: A Place Where No One Goes
You belong
On the far side of the mountains
In the gold
On the line of the horizon
You belong
In a place where no one goes.
Where no one goes.

You belong
In an unfinished painting
Wrapped in plastic
Locked in a closet
You belong
In a place where no one goes.
Where no one goes.

Drawing you in constellations
Scorched in the dirt of a cornfield
Pushing the phone into its cradle
Again
Again and again
And I'll never win
But neither will you.

Every look a domino
And every sigh in stereo
And maybes dress as hidden yesses
Every time you don't say no
And everything's obsession
When you can't quit cold
And everything is muzak
When your life's on hold
Now I stare at the ceiling
And try to tune in
To echoes of something
That won't come again
This is where you belong:
Sentenced to one night as me

You belong
On the floor in the corner
Reading this
Off an old sheet of paper
You belong
In a place where no one goes.
Where no one goes.

Writing our names in the window steam
Measuring time in creamers and coffee rings
Slamming the door, getting on with our lives
Again
Again and again
And I'll never win
But neither will you.
Track Name: Chris Biscuiti, Collider's #1 Fan
The man with the plan for the band divine
He hates Fred McGriff, but he loves Mankind
Counterfeiting pennies and laundering your nasty mind

He is the man
His name is Chris Biscuiti
He's Collider's #1 fan

Listening to Physics on his headphones in the dark
He's a Radiobiscuit and a wrestling mark
Clocking more airtime than Doris from Rego Park

He is the man
His name is Chris Biscuiti
He's Collider's #1 fan
Track Name: I'm On Your Side
I love Ray's Pizza.
Only two things more American:
Doubles from Coney Island Joe's
The Kitchen Sink at Jahn's.
I love these streetlights
And these playgrounds
And these brownstones.
The sweetest memories when I pass my childhood buddies' homes.
I love the way the little colored lights come out and shine
And paint the snowflakes as they tumble down at Christmastime.
I love my mother
And I miss her
16 months gone.
I love my photo albums
Full of friends who've passed on.

Whatever stupid moron said that change is good -
He didn't spend the last three decades in my neighborhood.

I want my city safe
Respectable
And orderly.
A place where you can make eye contact
And be friendly.
Where death row felons can't be heard or taken seriously -
Shoot down an officer
And then cry out for sympathy.
Misguided kids make awful noises for his evil cause
Subverting justice
And ignoring process, facts and law.
He fights to steal back freedom
But I hope he doesn't.
I know God's mercy's endless
But I wish it wasn't.

What kind of world is this where blasphemers get saved?
Where cop killers get rallies
And where faggots get parades?

I wish that Jesus would come back
And bless us, every one.
I wish Sinatra would come back
And show 'em how it's done.
But every moment pulls us further from the time when
All the red-blooded boys wanted to be policemen.
I wish these whiny yuppies
Hypocrites
And food-stamp slobs
Would learn their place
And just shut up
And let me do my job.
I wish for Lotto luck
And pennants for the Yankees.
I wish just once
Someone would smile at me
And thank me.

For you, I risk my life.
For you, my friends have died.
You stupid motherfuckers, don't you know I'm on your side?
Track Name: Touch
All the worst days of my life were
Laid out in succession throwing
1-2 punches
3-4 punches
Knocking me to sleep at night

The calendar was bloody
And silent as a minefield
And when my eyes were closed I saw
No less than when they were open
And the nightmares were just replays of the day.

Then you touch my hand
And you pull me back to now
And you touch my face and you
Separate the day and night
The day and night.

All the worst days of my life were
Crouched in quiet ambush leaving
Trembling fingers
Bulletshock and
Rubber legs
Then you appear

With chamomile and sugar
And you lead with perfect questions and we
Talk until we're sleepy but
Tonight after I leave you at your door
All the nightmares will be waiting up for me.

So touch my hand
And pull me back to now
And touch my face and
Separate the day and night
The day and night.

Touch behind my eyes
Sing me lullabys
I need you in my dreams.
Track Name: She Took Some Shit From My Room, And To Get It Back I Had To Make Her Come (Come Back And Give Me My Shit), And I Only Used One Hand.
She took some shit from my room, and to get it back I had to make her come (come back and give me my shit), and I only used one hand.